,, ;i - STINGER, 

The Arizona Carnival 

A Tragi-Comedy,. 

FOUNDED ON REAL LIFE AND SCENES IN ARIZONA, 



-CLOSING WITH — 



A COMIC OPERA. 

The Songs, like the facts represented in the Play, are to the manor born. 

i 

_o- ^*-\ 

The Play is a portrayal of Life, Science and 
Philosophy in Arizona, 



Here we have a Scientist, holding the secret of book-writing — A Teacher of Euphony — The avidity 
with which the secret is sought — The Geologist — The solicitous and finally fallen Divine — The 
Educated Girl of the Period — The Clown — The Expert — The Maid of Forty — The Prudent 
Damsel — The truly Educated Lady— The boastful Man of Means — The Comical Servant — 
The Taking oi a Church by Cowboys — The Taking in of a Traveler by the same — The Wild 
Etymologist and Geologist — The Teacher of Euphony as a Solicitous Suitor, blending there- 
with his materialism as an auxiliary, and his final abandonment of materialistic ideas on the 
discovery by him, and to him, of the startling fact that science is erroneous — touching the 
office of the human mind all represented. 



science is erroneous — 1< 

i 




STINGER, 

OK 

THE ARIZONA CARNIVAL. 

A TRACtI-COMEDY, 
Founded on Real Life and Scenes in Arizona, 
—CLOSING WITH-- 

A COMIC OPERA. 



Copyright November 18$2, by F. STANFORD, Author. 



To a general observer the play is designed to present an airy, mirthful appearance. 
But the author has endeavored to present an idea— that the play may prove instruct- 
ive as well as enter earning. As a quasi counter-irritant of the fierce opposition to 
bib'icism at this time, it may draw well. 

Li the author's estimation, the strength and merit of the drama (if it embodies 
either), lies in the novel, yet striking mode of burlesque. Stinger, as a teacher of 
euphony, adopts the role of an author and libertine. The wild extravagance, and 
queer application of terms, together with his' farcical derivations as an etymologist in 
each capacity, is intended to represent the wildness, unsoundness, of philosophic 
mind and material nature. While the avidity of Lucretia to acquire a knowledge of 
euphony, and the new and startling science of book-writing, illustrates the inconsid- 
erate belief that generally attaches to science. 

The play militates against the present philosophy of the human mind and ridicules 
the theory that the mind or spirit influences the thoughts or deeds of men. To the 
errors of the metaphysician and geologist the materialist is assigned. Stinger's 
abondonment of materialism as the errors of science appear upon the application of 
acute thought, provoked by the appearance of past relations and suggestions of 
Beatrice as to causation etc., in the play, together with the assault on the church 
by the cowboys, marks the tragedy and makes of the play a drama. 



/ 



Victor — Father of Lucretia and Alinira. 

Victoria — Sister and Aunt. 

Lucretia, Almira — Sisters. 

Beatrice — To Stinger an unknown daughter. 

LORD — A Minister. 

Stickles — A Geologist. 

Stinger — A Professor, etc. 

Curly Bill and his Kid— Two Cowboys. 

►-•-•- 



SCENE FIRST. — Profusion of flowers — Stage carpet — Brilliant colors — Elegant 
furniture, mirrors, etc., for particular use of geologist. 



ACT FIRST. 



Victor . Walk the stage quickly, not rapidly, exhibiting slight nervousness 
Enter. and much good feeling, clasping his hands occasionally. 

Well, well, well; I have just reached my fiftieth year, not an old man 
by any means; by comparison not half as old as I am happy. My fortune, 
let me see, 'tis not large, nor is it small: about two hundred and fifty thous- 
and dollars; very good, very good (chuckling laugh). A few years ago I 
should have considered this a very large fortune, even beyond my capacity 
to amass. But to-day millionaires sparkle in every direction. 'Tis not 
for me, and I do not envy them their superior wealth, nor question the 
manner of its getting. My wealth, be it much or little, is the result of 
legitimate enterprise, frugality and close attention to business. (Laugh). I 
struck a geological fissure at last. (Laugh). Nothing in it, but I made 
a scientific sale all the same. O, I'm all business with the philosophers. 
I'm now retired from the routine of mining operations, and propose a 
little recreation for myself. My daughters have just completed their ed- 
ucation — will be home to-day. My heart leaps with joy, my bosom dilate s 
with pride at the thought of their return. Dutiful children. Always true 
and affectionate. They shall enjoy every advantage of travel at home 
and abroad. 

Victoria. (Drest becomingly as a maiden of forty.) Victor, you appear de- 
lighted; really in fine spirits, a very happy frame of mind (taking a seat) 
I may say exuberant. Pray tell me: what may be the occasion of all this, 
for truly I've not seen you so demonstrative for months — not since you r 
daughters left home for school, quite one year ago. 

Victor. Are you not apprised of the momentarily expected arrival of Lucretia 

and Almira ? 

Victoria. How could I ? It appears you have not thought it necessary or proper 
to inform me. Do you consider that I have had the care of these 
children — now young ladies — since the death of their mother, about ten 
years? Coming home— graduates. Now I suppose things will go topsy 
turvy. Almira is orderly enough, but Lucretia will set things in a whirl- 



Victor, you must keep your eye on that girl; she is out of my charge now. 
You know the fate of our neighbor, mother of Beatrice. She was spoilt 
by one of those no responsibility cranks, a geologist or something of 
that sort and Beatrice, rich and smart as she is, ■ — well, you know the 
history, but she don't know her father, poor girl. Thank heaven, I was 
never spoilt. You have got one of those cracked-brained geologists 
around here now. He throws his philosophic telescope, as he calls it, on 
every thing in sight, and then prates abont the glory of eternal sleep- 
But, bless the Lord, Lucretia takes more to language. She intends to 
write a story or history or something. 

Victor. But, sister, will we quit this country — go inside — get clear of the cow- 

boys, and the cranks, too. 

VICTORIA. Yes, go east. Don't you know that country is full of cranks. The 
cowboy and the crank are of one stripe, but I'll chance the cowboy. If 
he robs and kills he don't shut off all hope of life and peace hereafter. 

Lucretia and Almira Enter. 

And haven't we caught you ? and surprised you ? Train one hour 
ahead of time. (Usual greetings). 

Victor. Well, well; I suppose you are now educated, refined and quite ready 
to engage in any — -well, most any enterprise — marriage, for instance. - 

LUCRETIA. Marriage ! Father, we haven't thought of such a thing. We are 
educated it is true, but not refined, as you would seem to think. By- 
the-by, papa; we had the great, good fortune to meet with Professor 
Stinger, at the depot, on our arrival. I was delighted to learn from 
professor [that his engagements would not prevent his taking a small 
class at our house, if desired. 

VICTORIA. Excuse me. . (Exit.) 

VICTOR. And who in the devil is Professor Stinger ? And what is his line of 
business ? 

Lucretia. I am not surprised, papa, that you are not acquainted with the pro- 
fessor, or his line of business, as you call it. But permit me to say 
Professor Stinger is the gentleman who has recently improvised (aside, I 
believe that is the proper term) a new system of speech, or language, or 
science of writing books, or something of the kind. Anyhow, he takes 
an educated lady and refines her, polishes her up. He is highly spoken 
of by many. Meeting with him at the depot, I invited him to call, 
and to-day. Really, papa, I hope you will not object to Almira and I 
being polished ? 

VICTOR. Object? I've not been in the habit of objecting; but I don't think this 
thing goes. 

LUCRETIA. But you will see the professor when he calls? He may make you 
understand that it is quite essential that your daughters should know 
something, at least, of his science. 

[Servant enters: announces the arrival of Stinger. Servant should 
be comical and capable of doing a song and dance]. 



t'UCRETIA. Do show him up al once. 

VICTOR. Yes, show him up; and show me out. (Exit.) 

Stinger Enter. 

Cordially received by Lucretia and Almira. Ahnira excused. (Exit.) 
Geologist Enter. 

[Will recognize Stinger as having met him before. Greets Lucretia 
as having met her two years previous when she was yet in short dress. 
Geologist is the clown of the play, and remains on the stage during the 
first act and appears again in subsequent acts. Is provided with a tele- 
scope, prospect hammer, pick, etc. Dress of the shabby genteel style- 
Side whiskers; hair long and combed back of his ears. Should be a 
slender person, but very jovial in temperment; dignified when motion- 
less and when walking the stage. This character is to burlesque geol- 
ogy in his manner and in the use of his telescope and pick; at the same 
time provoke laughter on the part 01 the audience by his significant 
endorsement of Stinger's words and derivations from time to time, and 
by his own spasmodic laughter, which comes with a gush, but not 
boisterous, though vehement and violent. The mirth of the play largely 
depends upon the good sense embodied in this act. As an illustration: 
with his telescope and pick he inspects the ores in the cabinet, the spit- 
toon on the stage, holding it up and saying, with a knowing look: I know 
what that is, it's a spittoon. Lucretia's gloves and hat — the former 
black, the latter turban, in style, made of shells and colored green — 
which she throws, in a careless manner, upon the stage, as she removes 
them during her narration of events at the minister's trial. He examines, 
labels, and places them in the cabinet, where Lucretia finds them on leav- 
ing the stage with Stinger, having mistaken the gloves for black talc and 
, the hat for a chloride, or blossom of copper. The act of the geologist 

runs with the play, as the act of a clown in a circus: his chief act is to 
latigh. Is made to appear large by the use of an air-bag, worn in front 
and by him burst during the third act as directed. Victor and Victoria 
informally come upon the stage during the first part of the first act. 
Victor always delighted with the act of Lucretia. Victoria, as a maid o^ 
forty, \% particular ly shy of the geologist, and gives Stinger a quizzica 
look. She don't wish to be spoilt. Geologist is feed as an expert in a 
mining case, during the play, and is subsequently relieved of his fee by 
the cowboys, in the second act.] 

LUCRETIA. Professor, but this moment 1 mentioned the business purpose- of your 
call to my father. Strange to say, he fails to appreciate the character 
of your science, or the benefits his daughters may derive from its study, 
and, professor, your association.] 

SriNGER. How preposterous! Possibly your father is not cognizant of the science 
of which I am the author. Geologist: I don't think he is. 

LUCRETIA. I am quite sure he is not. May I call him professor; that you may 
disabuse his mind of all doubt? 

Stinger. As you like. 



LUCRETIA. (Exit.) 

Stinger. I do wonder if I am to be balked in the display of the magnolia 
science, legitimate, novelletic system, by an old smarty. But here they 
come. (Geologist : Do you balk easy ?) 

Victor and Lucretia Enter. 

Lncretia introduces her father to Stinger. (Exit Lucretia.) 

Stinger. It is but a prolific esthetic sentiment I experience in meeting you, 
my dear sir; on an occasion of so much interest to your daughters 
but my esteemed friend, allow me to say I was quite sensitive of some- 
thing analagous to perturbation, on the receipt of intelligence purport- 
ing your want of adhesion to the truly scientific and beautiful. 

I've heazed at nothing. 



Victor. 
Stinger. 



Victor. 



Stinger. 
Victor. 

Stinger. 
Victor. 

Stinger. 
Victor, 



(Bowing.) Perhaps I am too exactingly tropical in my nature. I 
have originated what I choose to term the magnolia, or novelletic 
system of book-writing and ^euphony. So called that it is new and 
better adapted to impress the principles of euphony in the use ot lan- 
guage as I teach it. Shonld I take charge of your daughters, they 
shall soon acquire an epic style of conversation and composition, shorn 
of all dramatic exuberance. They shall become euphuistic indeed. 
Remember I teach the science of effect, relax enliven, beautify the mind 
of the sedative, sendentary scholar, while I impart the author's secret 
Your grounds, with their concave and converse margins undulatory to 
the vision. Your graceful plateaus forming oblique angles in their 
acclivities and declivities with the plane of the horizon, are but intensified, 
in their loveliness by nature's garlands formed of floral plants. Artistic 
design. In a word, it is the science of Authorship and gentility, and 
I'm only the heroic designer and master of the situation. [Geologist 
laughs, with both hands grabs his wind-bag.] 

(Grimace deeply.) I don't understand one word in ten, but I catch on. 
It's all the same as having a mine, a rich mine, you know; and lining 
it, polishing it up for sale. But you kindly give the mine to — that aid/tor's 
secret? I think you're a true fissure. You can chloride the girls a litcle, 
give them a luster, you know — a real metalliferous appearance; and don't 
forget the secret. 

[ Geologist laughs.] 
In a low tone of voice: your'e no geologist, no music teacher, you don't 
sing; my luster is a little — well, slightly on her ear about that class. 
The music of Euphony is my profession. 

I feel a deep interest in my daughters, and consider them safe in 
your hands, professsor. 

(Touches his hair.) 'Tis white, sir. 

Yes, I see; I noticed that little freak in nature. It is my highest 
security, professor; believe me, I feel quite safe. 

(Rises to go.) 

Pray, keep your seat, sir; make yourself at home, sir. Professor, the 



5 

little matter of compensation. 

Stinger. Don't mention it, don't mention it, sir; I'm no beggar. Should you 
observe any change for the better in your daughters — their conversation 
and manners — any sum; anything convenient. 

[Geologist laughs. Saw it off there: drawing 
his hand across his thigh.] 

VICTOR. Really, a charming fellow. Excuse me, professor; I'll send the young 

ladies to you instantly. (Exit.) 
STINGER. To geologist: O, didn't I sandwich him charmingly? just slipped him 

right in between the beautiful on the one side, and my competency on 

the other. 1 guess I'm only the master of the situation. 

[Geologist: But that author's secret (laughs). 

Am I in with it ?. 

STINGER. Hush! Listen. 

Lucretia and Almira Enter. 

Lucretia.— Professor, I'm delighted at pa's enthusiasm; what could 
you have said to him ? 

Stinger. I didn't say much, but he caught on instantly. He is a regular 
Stinger. 

[Geologist: No doubt of it.] 

LUCRETIA. Charming. Almira. — Pa is a regular Stinger. 

ALMIRA. [Smiles and takes a seat.] 

[Geologist: Clear-headed man.] 

LUCRETIA. Professcr, a young lady — friend of mine — whom I just saw, wishes 
very much to form your acquaintance and receive instructions. She is 
quite pretty, and very spirited; I hope you will like her. 

[Geologist: He'll like her. (Laugh)] 

Stinger. How fortunate I am. 

[Geologist: I told y r ou so; he likes them all.] 

LUCRETIA. Radier how fortunate the young lady, professor. 
STINGER. Beautiful anticipation oi my thoughts. You are a Stinger. 
Lucretia. Almira, I'm a Stinger; I've got talent. 

[Geologist: (Laughing) I'm going to leave: 

they'll get their stingers into me, first thing I know. 

STINGER May I ask: Is the young I idy of whom you speak, educated ? 

[Geologist: He don't take the barefooted kind.] 

LUCRETIA ited? Certainly. Just from the seminary; quite accomplished 

in the solids. Her name is Be ttrice. I like it, dont you ? 

[Geologist: He likes it, I tell you.] 

STINGER. Certainly, quite Euphi Ind she.isjus! from the seminary ? So 

verdant and so fragrant.. 

[Gvologist: (Laughs.) I'm in with it.] 
Lucretia. (Smih when do we take the first lesson? 



Stinger. Just now. This is as good a time as any, only I've no writing mater- 
ials with me. 

LUCRETIA. I have them, professor. 

O ! my port, and fo. and 1 i o, now I wonder where you are; 

Not off upon a laik, I hope; for I'm to be a star. 

O, here I've caught you on the wing, you precious little dear; 

You're full of love, ah! billets doux; but Stinger we don't fear. 

Now I'm to be an authoress, and epic in my style, 

My composition full of lore, will make the people smile. 

O ! I shouldn't wonder if I did — catch him — and in a little while. 

ALMIRA. O ! won't there be a tempest, when my sister rides the charger; 

Lucretia ! A philosophic telescope, when she gets a little larger. 

[Geologist gives Almira a sour look, and shakes 
hands with Lucretia.] 

Lucretia. And here they are, professor. 

Stinger. Lucretia, you'are a magnolia, a novelletitest, a decker of the Greek. 

LUCRETIA. A magnolia, a novelletitest. Professor, what is a novelletitest ? 

Stinger. I don't know unless it is a she novelist. A euphonical she — that's it. 

Lucretia. (To Almira.) I'm a magnolia and a euphonical she. 

[Geologist looks at her with telescope.] 

Stinger. Here is a specimen of my style. Lucretia have you any choice of 
subjects ? If you like, name the topic. 

[Geologist: She'll defer the honor.] 

LUCRETIA. O, no; I like any thing, just so its descriptive. A story, euphuistic and 
mellifluent, professor. 

[Geologist: I know him; it will be so sweet 
you'll have to take it with a pickle.] 

Stinger. Sweet, of course. .This is an elevated and elevating science. It must 
sound above the roar of the waves; silence the din of busy life the rav- 
ing of the moralist. It must flow on and on in sweet euphuistic con- 
tinuity of song. 

[Geologist: Geology.] 

Lucretia. (To Almira.) Hear that — elevated and elevating euphuistic science — 
and no interest ? 

Almira. I am awed by the shadow oncoming events. 

[Geologist: She don't bloom.] 

Stinger. No choice? The plant shall be indigenous, and to the sunny plains 
of Arizona. [Pretence of writing.] 

On one of the broad alluvial valleys of the San Pedro, emitting its 
hymenial oderiferous sweetness, its redolent, ambrosial, balmy, spicy, 
aromatic fragrance, with such profusion and floral delicacy of sentiment, 
that the olfactory organism inflated and distended; now its mellifluence 
co-ordinately diseminates to all communicative functional systems, 'till 
men, and women, are but as ambrosially delicious as the aromatic realms 
of floral life. Pregnant with the self-saccharine balmy breeze— nature's 



7 



we can bul adore each other — natures most exalted figures and 
sympathize with all of nature's redolent joys. Here, upon this felicitous 
spot, supremely paradisical in all of its appointments, lived in natural 
and luxurious magnificence, the palamental of the spirited, botanically 
fragrant, and exceptionally materialistic heroine of our story. 

[Geologist: The style of a geologist; the 
glow of philosophy. Laughs, etc.] 

LUCRETIA. (Excited.) Mow charming; how inspiring the sentiment. It will out- 
r'ng all the rackets. I could read it in the quartz mill; on the beach at 
Long Branch; I could read it in church! O! the soft, sweet melody of 
euphonical literature. It is louder than the wind and the wave, the 
rumbling of the mill, or the car, or the din of battle. 

[Geologist: She is a bird of promise, etc.] 

Stinger. You are an element, an axis, a focus, a wrecker and a Stinger! Spiky 
as rhetoric ! Inflorescence I You unfold like a blossom, and smack of 
the flower. Sparkling minion of the sphere. My migonette, my migon- 
ette. 

[Geologist: My leg, my leg; saw it off there: 
(Both hands on stomach). ] 

LUCRETIA. Almira, look on simpleton! don't you see what I am ? I'm everything; 
I'm loaded with a mignonette for ballast. 

[Geologist: O, what a cargo, etc.] 

Lucretia. O, I'm a decker of the Graek, a wrecker an 1 a Stinger; 
A mignonette, a nightingale, a slashing little singer. 
A decker, I bring to light, the darkest Greek I compass all the 

mysteries, and know just how to speak — 
A magnolia ! O, anything and everything, but always very sweet. 
A wreckor and a Stinger! the gents have got to catch it — 
They'll be falling at my feet. 

[Geologist: I'm there, now, etc.] 

LUCRETIA. Professor, you are very kind I'm sure, to pay me such compliments. 
If I don't deserve them all now, I will; for I'm bound to learn the true 
inwardness of Greek. But, professor, don't you think it would be cruel 
to have the child born in such a desolate place ? It's too lovely, but 
nobody there. Think of a beautiful child born on the plains, far from 
town — no advantages of education and refinement. 

[Geologist: It don't go, etc. He's a monster to 
think of it. (Laughing, both hands on stomach.) ] 

STINGKR. You are quite right. It's, now that I think of it, antagonistic to my 
nature to to throw a beautiful young lady and isolation together, even in 
a novel, No, no; my heroines must blaze, shine, illuminate, become the 
center of attraction and the joy of the world. 

[Geologist: That's the way to born them.] 

LUCRETIA. I knew you couldn't be so uncharitable. But, professor, where am I ? 
Can't I be the center of attraction and the joy of the world ? 

* [Geologist: That's what I want to know.] 



Stinger. You are [Geologist: Gushing laugh.] but you and myself are 

equally interested in the brilliant career of our heroine. 

Lucretia. Then you are quite decided that our first child shall be a girl, pro- 
fessor ? 

[Geologist: Gushing laugh.] 

Stinger. (Looks wonderingly.) 

LUCRETIA. I mean the child of the novel. How could you, professor ? 

[Geologist: That's what I want to know.] 

Stinger. I thought of nothing but a girl. The principle is born in me. 

[Geologist: (Gushing laugh) I knew it.] 

LUCRETIA. Professor, please have this young lady born in some gre at city. Cast 
the story in some city, and keep it in a cily. But, professor (coaxingly) 
wont you be so kind as to define those euphuistic terms, Stinger, element, 
focus, wrecker, spiky, and the like ? I know you don't mignonette me in 
any — in any — well, you know what I mean — for you you don't — you 
know you don't (pouting the while). It's in some exotic sense — very 

foreign to me. 

[Geologist: Don't be discouraged, etc.] 

[Servant enters: Announces the arrival of Beatrice. 

LUCRETIA. Send her up, bring her up; shoot her up — get her up here, quick ! 

(Geologist: (Gushing laugh) I say, don't — 
don't shoot her 'till I see her.] 

STINGER. As I was about to say, Stinger, while keenly satirical in sound — a 
sage's arrow to thought— is yet of mellifluent origin, and its root, as 
the Greek linguist informs us, was found in a bee-hive. The word, as 
we use it, implies a very sweet puncture.. 

[Geologist: If he hasn't got on our geological 
racket, I hope to bust (gushing laugh.) In each and every case of laugh- 
ing, with both hands grab the stomach, or wind-bag). ] 

Beatrice. (Enter.) 

Lucretia. O, welcome, Beatrice. I'm a Stinger, I'm a sweet puncture, and I 
don't know what all. I'm being refined — set up the science of attraction! 
I'll be center of attraction. Birds of a feather flock together. I'm glad 
to see you. Never be formal here, any more; walk right in. Let me 
introduce you to Professor Stinger. Its no use to be merely educated, 
you must be refined. I'm to have the secret of writing books. Ideas 
must radiate, you know; I blaze already. Professor, this is my friend 
Beatrice, etc. 

[Geologist: If 1 stay here, I'll be stung to 
death, and I know it, etc.] 

STINGER. (Rising, bowing low to Beatrice; turning to the audience: Too wary.) 

[Geologist: Gushing laugh.] 

LUCRETIA. Professor, please proceed with the definitions; just now that Beatrice 
is here. Stinger: again, please. (Stinger definition again repeated.) 

BEATRICE. (To Lucretia.) Sweet as the tingling shaft at a lover's vow. 



9 

[Geologist: (Gushing laugh.) She won't do; 
O, no; she won't do. i ?ay, Miss well, never mind. Saw ii off there, 
etc. Tingling shaft oi a lover's vow.] 

JLucretia. Beatrice, the aroma of the wintergrecn. 

[Geologist: Lei me go, before 1 die.] 

Stinger. Spiky is a verj euphonical term. It is an extraction, essence or quan- 
tity derived from .a Roman plant of rare luxuriance, beauty and fra- 
grance. Spiky as rhetoric is to be as penetrating and mellifluent as 
cordiality^ 

[Geologist: 1 can't live. {Moderate laugh.)-], 

LUCRETIA. [To Beatrice] I'm a Spiky. Penetrating as a jester, sweet as floral 
nectar. 

[Geologist : Gushing laugh.] 

STINGER. Element is a term of great depth, compass and elegance. Mellow and 
juelliflucnt in. sound, rich and florid as the tropics. It imports the prime 
and essential quantity of every thing — particularly applicable to a charm- 
ing lady. 

[Geologist : Soberly. Philosophic geological 
scientific application — by analogy v] 

BEA'l RICE. Lovely as an Autumn zephyr. 

Lucretia. And I'm an element, a prime and essential quantity, Beatrice. 

[Geologist : Of everything — gush.] 

STINGER. A focus — the point of concentration. An axis — the cone around which 
all revolve. 

Lucretia. Almira ! Beatrice ! And I'm a focus and an axis. 

Ai.MlRA. Yes, I see. To what a dizzy height, Lucretia, now has risen. Phil- 

osophic eminence. O how it clouds my vision. 

[Geologist : And mine.] 

Stinger. Wrecker is from the sunny plains of Italy — dipt in French etiquette 
and English and* American diplomacy. All men resign at the lustrous 
methodical ray of the wrecker. 

[Geologist (laughing) : Saw it off there. 
(Hand across his leg).] 

Stinger. Many other terms with which I am familiar being of the same fam- 
ily — their roots were all found on exotic, oriental ground, ramifying court 
circles, and ladies' boudoirs ; so you needn't be afraid to use them. 

LUCRE II A. And I'm a wrecker. 

[Geologist : I'm wrecked. 
! but won't I sail my kite, far up into the blue. 
The Solomon proselytes shalt learn, there may be something new.] 
[Geologist : But dou't she glow?] 

Almira. Yes, the world is all aglow, with the latest and the best, from the theo- 

retic mountebanks. 

Lucretia! cannot be a shocking, prizeless blank. 
She does so much resemble, this philosophic crank. 
[Geologist : Sour look.] 



Victoria (enters). Lucretia, Dr. Lord, our minister, has called. 

Beatrice. Is excused. [Exit.] You have never met him; he is very nice — per. 
haps a little fastidious ; only a short time from the east — new to our cus- 
toms. Single, you know. May I show him up? 

Lucretia. Show him up, certainly. I guess he is no more fastidious or punctili- 
ous than I am. [Exit Victoria.] 

Lucretia. 

Now, I'm to meet our minister, so veiy, very nice, and then, my aunty 

says he's single; 

O ! but I must be a wrecker now, the Greek I'll make it jingle. 

[Geologist: You are the essential quantity.] 

Stinger. Excused. [Exit.] 

[Victoria and Minister enter. Minister is introduced.] 

Minister. May I ask? The gentleman I saw taking his leave? N^t your 

father, I hope ? 

[Geologist: To audience. O no, that wan't 

'her father — that was her tutor-gush. .] 

Lucretia. O no — that was Professor Stinger, our new teacher. He is a refiner 
by profession — holds a secret — understands the compass or inside glow 
of Greek. We are all Stingers here, Doctor. I'm an element, an axis, a 
focus, a dazzling minion of the sphere, and professor's mignonette. But 
I'm not volatile, Doctor. You see, I'm all axis, focus, element, and 
mignonette. Doctor, give me the grade of your load. 

[Geologist: Saw it off there. (As usual, 
drawing his hand across his leg and laughing). ] 

Minister. Grade of my load ? 

Lucretia. Oh, what's in the box now ? Yes, your titles in full baby name and all t 

Minister. I am the Reverend Doctor Robert Lord. 

Lucretia. Geologist — light load. Reverend Doctor Robert Lord. Robert! Bob 5 
Rev. Dr. Bob. Bob Lord. Perfectly mellifluent. Doc, I always did 
like Bob, it's so plump — chubby, you know. Professor'l think it 

Euphonical.] 

[Geologist: Doc, Bob ! — Those are my Senti- 
ments to a dot. Gush.] 

Minister. What can all this mean ? Lucretia, you are an element, a Stinger, 
an axis, a focus, a dazzling minion of the sphere, and your teacher's 
mignonette ? 

Lucretia. Indeed I am, Bob -Dr. Bob. It's no use ; you can't squat on me 

You can't mash me ! I'm no goose-neck ; I'm hooked to stay, I'm 

anchored. 

[Geologist: Gush, etc.] 

MINISTER. This is quite incomprehensible. 

LUCRETIA. Doct. Bob, you are a Savage. Can't you deck the turn and light the 
drift ? I'm squelched, I'm rounded up, I'm taken in, I'm pocketed. 
Stineer double shot the corner and I love him. Can you deck that, Doc? 



[Geologist (grabs his wind-bag): Hell clerk 
it. I'll burst J 

Minister. 0, what a hyacinthian flavor! 1 should like to join you here. Can't 
you introduce me to the professor? 

| (Otologist: I knew he would gush-] 

Al.MIRA. You don'l think of such a thing, Doctor Lord ? 

MINISTER. Certainly — I think it necessary to learn the language of the country. 

LUCRET.A. Why shouldn't he join ? You'll make a regular Stinger, Bob, or Dr. 
Bob. That hyacinthian flavor, it sounded like professor. Get on the 
inside of Greek. I'll introduce you to professor — but, J)oc, cut to land 
and wing the gale. 

MINISTER. Cut to land and wing the gale? 

LUCRETIA. Dr. Bob — what a Scalper. You chill me. You're cold as an Indian 
trail. Certainly. Can't you deck this ? Angle for him, lynx him, work 
the call. I'll tell you : gleek him and smirk him, too. That's the way 
we do in the West. 

[Geologist (laughing) : I can't stay ; I'll diet] 

Almira. Doctor Lord, my sister will daze and dash you. 

LUCRETIA. Doc, don't believe her. She is the drone of the family. * 

Almira. My sister speaks the language of Arizona — a language within a lan- 

guage, illegitimate, understood by few, and very like your theory of inspi- 
ration, in which you make thought and action represent assumed facts, 
illegitimate assumptions. She tells you to cut to land and wing the gale. 
Lucretia means for you to think deeply and not scatter in your talk with 
the professor. Wing (inward motion with the hands) or confine the 
force of your argument to a point. 

[Geologist : Yes ; illegitimate, understood by 
few. That's my geology in part. Wing the gale — he'll try it — I know 
it. Gush.'] 

Lucretia. Sister — Professor is coming. 

[Stinger enters. Speaks to Lucretia and Almira.] 

Minister. (To Lucretia.) Introduce me — introduce me. [Is introduced to 

Stinger.] 
MINISTER. Professor, I'm not quite decided that 1 can run to land and wing the 

gale to your satisfaction, but having heard so much of a favorable nature 

from Miss Lucretia concerning your science — 1 should like to join you 

here. 

STINGER. Doctor Lord, are you still with the Church? 

Minister. With the Church ? Suiely I am. 

STINGER He seems in earnest ; and with the Church [tapping his breast] I'll try i 
him. Doctor, I am willing— if you can take the chills and bar the door. 

MINISTER. [Aside to Lucretia.] It's all right if I can take the chills and bar the j 
door. 

Lucretia. Can't you deck it, Doc.t No matter what you get, close up [putting 



her finger to her lips]. 

[Minister, in a simple way, looks at Stinger.] 

Stinger. Have you got to the light with that, Doctor ? It's analogous to this : 
Take a sight and box up. Light up and anchor. Unload and take the 
cur'). Hon r all calls and flag nothing. 

Minister. O, Til deck it all in a little while, professor. I'll box np. I'd take the 
curb. I'll bar the door and flag nothing. ' Consider me your most 
humble disciple. [Turning to Lucretia.] This is charming— better than 
a Summer vacation. [Takes his leave.] Will return soon. [Exit.] 

[Geologist no ices the above by remarks and 
laughter from time to time.] 

Lucretia. Really, professor — what an addition. I had no idea of your accepting 
him as a pupil. How determined Dr. Bob is? 1 think he unfolds very- 
well for a tender plant, you know. I suppose we may now proceed 
with our story without further interruption. 

Stinger. By all means. 

Lucretia. Now, professor, it's to be laid in a great city and retained in a city. I 
don't want any more San Pedro valleys. Let the kite fly, professor. 

Stinger. Enthusiastic materialist — my sweet, vivacious friend. You shadow 
me with your brilliant conceptions. You are a materialist, arn't you? 

LUCRETIA. I think so. I'm whatever you are. 

Stinger Certainly. The new plant. Upon the banks of the Seine, parted by 
its imperial, sparkling flow, upon isles of nature's choice and beauteous 
design — flashing from the prestige of royal splendor and materialistic 
philosophy, successively the capital of three kingdoms and one republic — 
once the residence of Caesar— the pride of Julian — the home of Napo- 
leon ; Metropolis and See of the World — renowned for the classic taste, 
accomplishments and elegant mien of its people — stands to-day- with 
all of its ancient regal splendor — heightened by the now imperiousphiloso- 
phy of its sages — illuminated by the flash of their deeper explorations — 
and softened and regaled by the flame ot affection — spurned by none, 
adored by all, the city of Fobfloris, home of the palamentals of our 
heroine. 

[Geologist: The fire of science ] 

Lucretia. * Is in a rocking dance. 

Stinger. Can you counterpoise the two solids — a solid head and a solid 
earth? Balance the two globes? [Touches his head and points to the 

earth.] 

Lucretia. You don't want me to, do you ? 

O, I'm a rich, rare and racy fissure, 

The magnet of my sex ; 

A mignonette, a nightingale, a double trible X. 

O, don't you talk so much, of the things that are to be ; 

I'm made! an axis and a focus — you can't get far from me. 

I-can't begin to tell you, all the joy I do feel, 



<3 

As the gents are sailing round me, riding on my reel. 
O, I'm a cone to bear the weight, a focus to attract ; 
I must be up in Paradise, for nothing do I lack. 
I'm the joy of the world, the center of attraction. 
And I'll never be mistaken for a duster or a fraction. 
(Let the action suit the words ami music.) 

[Geologist -Take my diploma.] 

A.LMIRA. What better rigure could we have, of philosophic flame. 

Than to see Lucretia in her role, of a modest, prudent dame. 
[Geologist: You can't insult me.] 
Lucretia. I say, professor : What are palamentals ? Are you and I the pain. 
mentals of the heroine? 

[Geologist: Gush.] 

STINGER. Other Etymologists, from paternal and maternal in signification, rooted 
out parents. But 1, with a keener conception of sublime elegance in 
phraseology, extracted palamentals as having a more oval and flexible 
sound. Mine is a euphonical and philosophic rooting. 

[Geologist: That is just what it is.] 

LUCRETIA. Of course it is. Who would say parents, when they can say pala- 
mentals ? Please write more, define more, professor. 

STINGER. It's quite immaterial to me. I write novels by the barrel. I hold the 

secret. 
LUCRETIA. By the barrel. And what is a barrel — a barrel of novels, a novel 

barrel ? Please define it. . 

STINGER. Speaking philosophically: A barrel consists essentially of a small 
quantity of interval charged with oxygen and nitrogen gases, described 
by a circle and encased with the solids of succulent exogenous plants — - 
propet soli Is and vascular tissues. 

[Geologist: My geology to a t. Gush.] 

Lucretia. I'm spiked. He makes the hole first. 

Minister. [Rushing in.] You're spiked? 

Lucretia. Yes, Doc, I'm spiked. How do [Geologist: Gush] you do? You see 
professor rounded up a little on a barrel. I slipt on the gases and fell 
on the interval. 

Minis ikk. Slipt on the gases and fell on the interval ? 

[Geologist: That's what she did.] 

MINISTER. Lucretia, I'm spiked. I guess I'm spiked. I slipt on Stinger and the 
Church fell on me. Do you know how to swear, swear in Church? I'm 
rounded up, as you say —charged with a broad departure — arraigned, on 
trial before the Church as a committee of the whole. Wdl you go with 
me, swear for me, clear me of this malicious charge ? 

LUCRETl \. O, Doctor Bob, now take your chill, and show your Grecian lore; 
I'll wing the gale as best I can; you'll ask for nothing more. 

I'll deck the charge they now prefer some quicker than a flash; 
Just rest assured, dear Doctor Bob, I'll give them all the lash. 



Now, Doc, I'll go with you, stand by you, swear for you, 'til your 

brothers all turn pale ; 
Your sisters, they may whine, may skip and dance around, but I'll 
make them take the vail. 
Almira. Now I think I smell a mouse, much larger than the cat ; 

Doctor Lord has stubbed his toe — but I'll see what they are at. 
[Minister, Lucretia and Almira — Exit.] 

[Beatrice enters. Stinger rises, extends both hands, receives her 
warmly.] 
Beatrice. How fortunate to meet you, professor, and alone, but where are the 

ladies ? 
STINGER. They have just crossed the street. Some little affair with the minis- 
ter, I believe. 

Beatrice. I'm not surprised. It's the town talk. Let me tell you, professor 
that man has no more sense than a grouse. He is continually talking 
about call and gift. He thinks he's called and gifted. He went out of 
here and said he was soon to be a Stinger. Fie would soon know the 
true inwardness of Arizona Greek. Already38*vas he able to deck many 
elegant terms. So captivating and dazzling. He could wing a gale. 
He said to be a Stinger was to be an exotic of rare mellifluence, 
not merely indigenous. His Church was shocked. You see, professor, 
the members of his Church never enjoyed the pleasing opportunity 
afforded me of hearing many leal Greek, Roman and Parisian terms 
defined. I must confess myself highly entertained, and professor, 
your 

STINGER. Don't mention it. Beatrice, you are the personification of aptitude 
The ideal bloom of similitude. The enchantress of my emotional 

nature. 

Beatrice. But Lucretia, professor? 

STINGER. And what of Lucretia ? 

BEATRICE. O, nothing. She raves a little about you, that's all. Now, arn't you, 
a little, just a little, professor ? 

Stinger. Beatrice, can it be that the dark brown orbs of the princess before me, 
in their lustrous, alluring, mellow, liquid depths, witnessed not their 
conquest, and the captive's bended knee ? 

Beatrice. Professor, excuse me, but your attentions did appear just a little pre- 
ternatural, possibly fantastical. Listen ! Lucretia is coming. I'll see 
you again and later — but now let me escape, and by a route Lucretia sel- 
dom enters. [Exit..] 

[Geologist clowns tne above.] 

[Lucretia enters. Quick step. Hat, shawl .and gloves are removed 
and thrown clown on the stage while speaking.] 

LUCRETIA. Talk about your melodrama. Talk about risibility, pathos, path- 
ognomy, patois, [pat wa], acrimony, crimination and re-crimination. 
The Doctor's Church just scopes it all. [Wing motion with arms.] I 
told his congregation that Bob was a good man— that he meant well — 



that he had talent. They laughed. 

[Geologist: I'll die, laughing.] 

Lucretia. 1 defined clement, focus, axis, and wrecker. I told them wrecker was 
an importation, brought from the sunny plains of Italy; on its passage 
was dipt in French etiquette and English and American strategy — that 
Doc. would make a wrecker. [Geologist: Stop or I burst.] They 
laughed. I told them Bob would be able to deck the Greek compass in 
a little while — speak a language newly born, and full of love, romance 
and war. Some raved, some shed tear--, but most of them* laughed. [Ge- 
ologist : Do you want to kill me?] The poor doctor is demented. He 
talks more Greek. He says he was tried by the Church in bank — 
there was no bank there. [Geologist: Gush.] That the congregation 
sat upon him, and that I fell down on him — his flock never touched him 
and I scarcely spoke to him. He is liable to come here any moment. 
I don't wish to see him any more. Professor, may I show you something 
beautiful ? 

STINGER. A specimen cabinet, a cactus bower, or a lady's boudoir. I'm only 
too happy. [Taking Lucretia and leaving the stage. She finds her hat 
and gloves in cabinet.] The sky is clear, the air is soft, and the land is 
fair and fruitful. 

[Minister enters. Dress hanging loose, hair disarranged. This char, 
acter to represent a person in great distress of mind — but not a mad 
man.] 

MINISTER. O, dux femina facti — of course a woman was at the bottom of it. They 
are at the bottom of everything. [Geologist: I knew it. Gush.] Dj 
novello tuto par bello. Of course it was new, and I had to tumble into 
it. O, dux femina facti. Elysian fields, but not for me. I've lost my 
congregation. To love and be wise is to be a Stinger. I'm no calyx 
and corolla. I'm ox\\\ a perianth. [Geologist: One stripping does Him- 
Gush.] I'm no dicephalous. [Geologist: No; he's but one head, and 
that arn't large.] O, dux femina facti. Lucretia .is all [at the] bottom 
and no top. O, she is off with Stinger now. She could Lob and Doc 
arrd Docky Boby me. O dux femina facti. It was such a chubby name, 
my baby name, she said. [Geologist: Stranger, if you don't stop, I die.] 
Lucretia ! I'd bet my congregation— if 1 had it back— that Sanger— 
well, I hope he wdl, give her dux femina facti. O, I'm a divine with no 
church. Lucretia ! I'm an eclipsed luminary, a kind of supernumerary. 
O, but they decked the Greek for me. I guess I've got the curb. O, dux 
novello par bella. I'm a castle in the air. I'm a (lower without fra- 
grance. I'm a bird with no plumage. Almira ! 

ALMIRA. Yes, Doctor; can I assist you? 

Minister. You here— assist me! You want to dux femina fact: me, don't you ? 
Leave me. If a woman ever speaks to me again I'll report her. [Exit 
Almira. | 

MlNISTFR. O, I'm a duck on a desert. I'm a connoisseur, with no one to cater. 
I'm g« nteel with no liquidators^ The tailors know I've lost my congrega- 
tion. I'm a park perambulator, and sea-side devotee with no bankers. 
I'm fond of travel, hut there is no one to weigh my anchor, and let me 
sail. U, I'm a jack-knife with no cork-screw, Dux lemma facti. J am 
shriveling, dvvarfiing [falling upon the sola], sinking. [As the curtain is 



16 



lowered — calls for Lucretia. Geologist is inspecting him with a tel- 
escope. To the audience: He arn't dead.] 



SCENE SECOND. — Country church-house set in a grove of live oaks — Stage 
provided with a pulpit, and chairs in the place of pews — Carpet remains on the 
floor. 



ACT SECOND. 

[Any number of ladies and gentlemen enter, one and two at a time. 
Minister enters. Heads bowed. 

[Kid enters softly. Looks at the situation from near the wing. Speaks 
in a husky voice to Bill. Both enter — take a position near the center of 
stage — backs to the audience — face the minister — as yet they are undis- 
covered — draw pistols — are loaded with blank cartridges — fire down — 
congregation in terror — Bill and his Kid -Good morning—why didn't 
you tell us of the dance, etc. — chairs removed and church service sus- 
pended — all join in a dance — Minister is required to make the music- 
The reluctance of the minister and the ladies, as they are required to par 
ticipate, the contrast of dress and manners, present an exciting and 
comical scene. In the actual occurrence nothing transpired of a devilish 
nature beyond the facts stated. The scene may be enlarged upon to suit 
the taste of those engaged in the play. 

[Upon the appearance of Beatrice, no wotd spoken. The cowboys 
take their departure, to the utter amazement of the congregation. Geol- 
ogist is taken in and relieved of his fee as he passes over the stage near 
the footlights, as though passing along the road. Drop curtain.] 



SCENE THIRD — Same as scene first. 



ACT THIRD. 

[Beatrice enters. Light up in countenance gaily.] 

Beatrice. Deserted castle. Indeed, what can ail this mean? No one at home; 
the doors all unbarred; Lucretia and Almira out. 'Tis weli. I'm a 
privileged character in this house — else how strangely I should feel- 
Lucretia and professor — \thoughtfully\ — can it be that they have not 
returned from— — Harken ! Lucretia is coming, and alone. Tis well. 
I'll soon know her secret, and make, of his (fie, a drama/ He has run 
his magnolia system quite long enough. [C/iirfi.] I'll teach him a little 
philosophy — the science of book-writing. \Sarcastically/\ 

LUCRETIA. [Enters.] Beatrice ! What a surprise, and how euphu, euphuislica] 
you do appear. I'm overjoyed to find you here. 



'7 

BEATRICE. And what have you done with your professor? 

LUCRETIA. How interested you are. Professor is oscillating the paradisiacal 
realm of floral felicity just now. You will excuse the tension of my speech; 
it's the creative force of euphony, and 1 can't escape it. 

BEATRICE. Vibrating in an Arizona cactus grove. Excuse me, Lucretia, but I 
should have guessed something better. 

Lucretia. Better, better than floral felicity, Beatrice ? 

Beatrice. But, Lucretia, after so much — what is it professor calls it ?— madonical 
felicity — your society, my dear ? 

LUCRETIA. That's all right. You think you know something. 

BEATRICE. Don't forget the creative force of euphony, dear. 

LUCRETIA. I'm talking to yofl now. Professor Stinger is nice — he's the heart of 
nature; micaceous and material as a granite lode. He has explained the 
whole universe to me. He is a real gentleman, Beatrice. I've placed 
my whole confidence in that man. I love him, and I know he'll not 
deceive me. 

Beatrice. You may be quite right, Lucretia, in your estimate of Professor Stinger. 
But does he love you, dear? 

Lucretia. Love me ? — very much, indeed. 

Beatrice. I thought him curious and fond of novelty. You will excuse me now, 
dear — but I will run in again very soon and try to see the professor about 
a little brushing up myself. 

Lucretia. Do so, etc. [Exit Beatrice.] 
[Stinger enters.] 

LUCRETIA. I must tell you I met Beatrice on my return, dear, and do you know 
she tried to pump me. 

Stinger. I hope you didn't leak ! 

Lucretia. [Half sardonic smile."] I suppose you think I flowed. 'Twas little she 
got from me, but such a brazen-browed quiz. I'd like to beach her. 

STINGER. [In a sarcastic manner.] You would like to strand her, on a sandy bar 
of the San Pedro. What a charming creature you must be, to think of 
wrecking such a star, on the murky bosom of the deep — San Pedro. 

LUCRETIA. Star ! She is a star a star ! O, may-be I now know what you are? 

STINGER. 'Twas well you knew it before you walked so far. 

Lucretia. You dare to rhyme and ridicule my speech. Buffoon, pasquinade 
satirist. 

STINGER. Really — botanical— your flowering — how fragrant, my dear. 

Lucretia. I'il be ; yes, as I live will I be revenged. 

Stinger. If you are I'il leak. 

LUCRETIA. Leak, leak ii you can. 

STINGER. And should I, you are drowned. 



i8 

Lucretia. O, am I so deceived? [Softly, cringingly, half smiling.] Professor, I 
forgive me — 'twas nothing but love for you and apprehension of being ! 
supplanted that made me 

STINGER. Silence ! this half-churlish', half-parasitic lamentation. Go and better ' 
learn the laws of nature's god. Learn to" love and be wise. Be a philos- I 
opher, and accept a devotional vow as a jest, my dear. 

LUCRETIA. [Emotionally; left liand up, leaving the stage.] He's mad — he's mad 
[Exit.] 

[.Geologist and Beatrice enter from opposite sides of stage.] 

Stinger. My biitheful, resonant friend. The melody of your speech, has scarcely 4 
ceased its repercussion, ere I take you by the hand. 

Beatrice. But Lucretia, professor ? 

[Geologist : Gushing laugh.] 
[Lucretia, so situated as to be seen by the audLncc, hear, the follow- 
ing:] 

STINGER. Prattling innocence; a mamma's cherub; the daisy of the cradle;, the j 
euphonical she; the ambrosial incipient. She is probably vibrating 
somewhere in space. — very happy. I've excused the mignonette for a ' 
Summer vacation. She is ablaze with the idea of travel. But, Beatrice, 
you insinuate nothing, I hope ? 

[Geologist: Aren't he horrid?] 

BEATRICE. Nothing in particular. I knew it couldn't last. I only wondered a 1 
your long and devoted attention. 

| STINGER. Congenial spirits united, Beatrice, make up the crown and glow of 
life. We become- radiant only by the blending of similitudes. Homo, 
geneous spirits are magnetical. Their attraction is like the flash of elec- 
tric phenomena — cohesive as thought to spirit — endearing as the 
thought and fact of irresponsibility. A union sealed the mind's creative 
force now its myriads of pleasures form — scholastic visions of material 
life drawn from the unchallenged sovereignty of nature's crown. 'Tis 
love, Beatrice, and I love you. 

Beatrice. I'm glad to hear you say so, professor -for I, too, love you. Profes- 
sor, you speak of irresponsibility, scholastic visions of material life, and 
the unchallenged sovereignty of nature's crown in a manner that makes 
me think you are still a materialist. 

Stinger. Still. I'm quite material, quite natural, Beatrice. I can't change. 
Philosophy is growing more and more potent every day, Beatrice. 
[Geologist: He's sound to the core.] 

Beatrice. You will excuse me, professor, for the little deception I practiced in 

seeming to be pleased with your rendition of euphonical terms, as you 

call them. 

[Geologist: He's struck the north pole.] 

Stinger. This is altogether too magnetical. 

Beatrice. Speaking of irresponsibility, professor. It seems to me that you phil- 
osophers have omitted to furnish us with the wherefores of so many 



19 

things in nature, on - is inclined to think such omissions may represent 
the very source and fact of respons.ibi'ity. 

[Geologist: I aren't in with it — (laughing.) ]. 

STINGER. [Aside.] 1 have struck the four cardinals — female suffrage, female 
supremacy, female government, and female as geometrical felicity. 

[Geologist: Saw it off there. (Hand drawn 
across leg, and pointing with both hands to Stinger.) ] 

Beatrice. The constantly recurring question of causation. The enigmatical 
influence of past events. Professor are you never startled — is your phil- 
osophy never shaken, never lost to use, at the thought and sight of pas 1 
infamy ? Are you equal to such an occurrence ? 

[Geologist: He'll fall down; I know it.] 

Stinger. 1 am grounded in philosophy — shaken at nothing — equal to every- 
thing — but you? 

[Geologist: I believe him. Gush.] 

Stinger. See here, Beatrice — did Lucretia^send you to me ? 

Beatrice. Lucretia ! 

Stinger. Yes. She spoke of being, or rather I thought she might wish to be 
revenged — for- — well, nothing. 

[Lucretia enters— pistol in hand — not seen by Stinger— presents it and 
retracts, saying: I will abide a higher vengeance. 

[Geologist (recovering) : That's right. Let 
Beatrice kill him — he's nearly dead now.] 

BEATRICE. Nothing of the kind, professor. But speaking of philosophy, if 
human [Geologist points at Stinger and gushes] action is impressed 
with human thought and not with mind, spirit, soul, or inspiration) 
except as to life eternal and a God — [Geologist: Gush]— mental philo- 
sophic theory is but the lunacy of geology [Geologist starts], and mate- 
rialism the mephitic plant of both. 

[Geologist looks sour.] 

Stinger. I concede that much. Materialism- is mephitic, poisonous, fetid, nox- 
ious. I see you propose a slight innovation — to drop a little ice on 
science. You have discovered, I presume, that by the laws of gravita- 
tion, as your head end is the heaviest", a philosophic tendency is a union 

of the two crowns. . 

[Geologist : I thought he was gone— no, no.] 

Beatrice. Not so bad, professor. 

Stinger. But, Beatrice, did you say you loved me ? 

Beatrice. I did. 

Stinger. Do you know what a period is ? Put me above the clouds — crown me 

with cessation. 

[Geologist: He's gone. (Side motion towards 

Stinger with both hands.) I arn't in with it.] 

BEATRICE. My regard for you, professor, is akin to principle. 

[Geologist: Stop, or I burst (laughing).] 



Stinger. Yes, the malicious principle — I presume that I'm a malefactor in your 
estimation, and you propose this tortious, lingering death penalty. 
[Geologist: Saw it off there, etc.] 

Beatrice. Not so bad, professor — but i should like very much to see you in a 

different role. 

[Geologist : That's it. ''She's bound to kill 

him, just to make an angel of him. 

STINGER. 1 thought I could role anything. I don't think so now. [Aside.] 

BEATRICE. 1 should rejoice in seeing you at the head of a church. 

[Stinger starts.] 

[Geologist: Buist your wind-bag, worn in 

front, and present yourself. (The sound of explosion should resemble 

the bursting of a bladder. Sound made back of the scene, loud enough 

for aud;ence to hear. Turn your faucet at the ins ant.) Now I'm dead, 

etc. (Exit).] 

Beatrice. And I propose to see you there. 

STINGER. No telling what a woman — this woman — can do. Beatrice, you are a 
nightingale, an envoy from the celestial kingdom. You are a pigeon of 
paradise, the odoriferous, enchanting passerine bird of the tropics, the 
nectar of the nectarine, the apex of creation— alluring as Mahomet's 
black-eyed damsels. I fly to your enfbrace. [Starts as if to embrace 
her. Is repulsed.] Beatrice, if there is anything I can do, anything 
that nature and education have prepared me for, it is to head and role 
a church. Did you bring my commission with you? 

BEATRICE. But step this way and you shall have it. 

STINGER. [Leaving the stage.] The sky is not so clouded. The air is not so 
frigid. The land is not so barren. [Exit.] 
[Dr.'p curtain.] 



SCENE FOUR. — Grand Church edifice— Stage clear— Blue light. 



ACT FOUR. 

[Victoria in disguise representing the mother of Beatrice, enters, takes 
a position behind a wing so as to be seen by audience and not by- 
Stinger.] 

Stinger. [Enters.] 1 am a doctor of divinity — a professor of theology ; I have 
charge of a whole diocese ; my home edifice with its steeple in the sky, 
its angles with towers of orien al splendor adorned, with its carved ma- 
hogany and sculptured plate — with its inserted terraces and niched statu- 
ary — its stained glass, cherry wa'nscoting, frescoed walls, vaulted ceil- 
ing and baronial auditory, shall be the scene of theoretical philosophy 
and virtue. I am the saccharine embryo from whom this church shall 
derive its prestige for all that crushes biblicism and honor. What care I 



for their loquacious babbling. 

[Victoria appears before Stinger.] 

Stinger. What ! Is this an apparition? Has the grave sent forth its dead to 
challenge life? Is the pall of twenty years now drawn to stifle pleasure 
with ghostly visions of the dead past ? Or is this hallucination ? Speak ! 
Saint or demoness, ghost or human — speak ! 

Victoria. Specter !— no! Cornelius, you thought me dead, but alive, I confront 
you. 

[Stinger advances.] 

Victoria. Stay ! Your embrace is the signal of shame and sorrow. I am a 
happy wife. 

Stinger. But the child ? 

Victoria. You have met her, and upon this spot. 

Stinger. Beatrice ! Beatrice ! [Stinger in deep thought.] 

Lucretia. [Enters. Facing the audience, slightly crouching — right foot ad- 
vanced, right hand up, palm out.] Confronted with early vice and crime, 
is philosophic infamy dislodged ? Questioning alike his mental and 
material science, has thought conscienced an element of honor? Wiil he 
now spurn Devotion's pathetic touch, and vows of fidelity in satirical 
opprobrium disown? [Turning to Stinger.] Man, dicephalous mon- 
ster ! — incarnation of the devil ! — personification of duplicity and 
fraud — look, look at me ! Your plighted honor, faith, love ! Philosophic 
strategist ! As " new loves you sought, new vows to plight, and plighted 
vows to break," did you with fiendish circumvention dare the obsequious 
petitioner of your false devotion to scoff and challenge. And with a 
heart blacker than the ambushed rifler, the assassin's malice — nay, 
blacker than your philosophic death and grave, could you to the new ? 
the old love disdain and satirize. But I love you [falling at Stinger's 
feet], and forgive you. 

STINGER. She forgives me — Lucretia, rise. Beatrice ! From my vision now 
rolls back the lurid flame of scientific mind. The mazy din of philosophic 
spirit is silenced by the jargon of the soul's control of the deeds of men. 
Thought's creative force the fallacy of theoretic nature dispels, and in 
the errors of the pscychologist, theosophist, autologist — metaphysi- 
cians ! — have I the solution — the germ — growth and maturity of the ma- 
terialist and theamachist in every land, the world now thronging. Let 
this depraved philosophic mantle drop — down ! lay; the livery of hell. 

[As Stinger says, " Lucretia, rise," company enter softly, as if to listen' 
Beatrice is at his side.] 

Lucretia. O, shall I sing of intellect, a thing that is much wanted, 

That a lady may protect herself— [spoken, and not by men] — be over 
come or daunted. 

Company. O, shall she sing, etc. [Repeat first verse.] 

Lucretia. 1 think we all begin to see that mind, be it pale, lurid, bright or brill- 
iant, good better, best or worst ; 



Thought is the thing, to be by us, with zeal and caution nursed. 

[Chorus by company. Lucretia don't sing. Tune of song and chorus 
not the same.] 

How dare ! she tackle the present rule, there are so many to kick [all 

strike the floor with foot\ 
But she handles herself in a thoughtful way; perhaps she'll make it 

stick— [all strike the floor with foot] ; 
For she is a gem from a fissure lode and slick, as a slickenside sleek. 
There is a culture that adorns, unknown to the extremes, 
Within the reach of every one who'll use the proper means; 
'Tis the culture of our thoughts, within the compass of our mind, 
And when we are so cultured, we will not be, nor yet appear, so very, 

very blind. 

[Chorus.] 

This is the kind of culture, so many of us need, 

That we may understand the tricks of men [Spoken : the novel] 
euphonical teacher read. 

[Chorus.] 
O, how true. Ideas flow from thoughts, whatever they may be, 
And language shorn of thought, is a curse to you and me. 

[Chorus.] 
We hear the words that bring us joy, and likewise those that burn; 

{Good or bad.) 
These are the words that ever drop, from a curt and thoughtful urn. 

[Chorus.] 
Many speak of inspiration as the means so near at hand 
By which we may detect all vice, [The foils of men.] so quickly 

e understand; 
But hoping to be pardoned, I'll make myself so free, 
As to state to you in confidence [/hat sort of wisdom] never done 
for me. * 

[Chorus.] 
To pass through college courses is but an idle show, 
Unless the mind is bright enough for thought to spring and grow. 

[Chorus.] 
I pass'd through all the branches, but in such a shimmering way, 
That an artist, 'though a novice [Could scatter every ptire thought], 
and do so as at play. 

[Chorus.] 
The brain is but material, and enlarges with the thought, 
But the mind is immaterial, as by ils author wrought ; 
Tne latter never changes from the day that we aie born, 
And this the story tells, of a maiden so forlorn. 

[Chorus.] 
We speak of mind too flippantly, as though it were a lever 
By which our thoughts are moved around, in acts so bad or clever. 

[Chorus.] 



23 

O, O ! Tis thought grown on a healthy base, 
That brings the maiden to the front, but never in disgrace. 
[Chorus.] 

There is nothing, half so charming, in the manners of a maiden, 
As the gentle touch of courtesy, with naught of boldness laden. 
[Chorus.] 

'Tis the light, but over-burden, that breaks the camel's back; 
If there is a fault in quantity, or quality, 'tis better, far better, we 
should lack. 

[Chorus.l 

There is something very charming, in the medium of action, 
Gentility [IVill notice] the deviation of a fraction. 
[Chorus.] 

We may cultivate the graces, but never to extremes ; 
We may be familiar ; [But not with Stinger j] no ! no ! not by 
any means. 

[Chorus.] 
We meet with persons everywhere — they flutter in our way — 
Who seem resolved to do the grand, but shock us with their spray. 

[Chorus.] 

There is the maid of spirit gay — though weak, 
She cannot bear the burden of, the calculus or Greek ; 
But give to her philosophy, in which her thoughts may grow— 
She'll ca-ch on to the author, his reasoning come to know ; 
And thus we have a scholar, beyond the reach of virtues far. 
[Chorus.] 

If you would have a lady just give her thoughts to matter, a firm 

and happy grasp, 
You'll find her on the course, so conditioned as to last ; , 
But overload the ship of state, her thoughts are sure to bolt, 
And thus We have, unwillingly, an educated dolt. 
[Chorus.] 

Yeu have seen the dolt brought out to-night, in much of nature's laws . 
You have noticed all her weaknesses, and all her stunning flaws ; 
But I've sung for you, as best I could, the history of her training; 
She acted but a natural role, {And her, we hope], you'll never think 
of blaming. 
Company. She acted but a natural role, etc. 

[Company dance 'round in a circle. Dr. Bob to the front. This 
movement is repeated at the close of each song, leaving the one to sing 
in front of the semi-circle.] 

Minister. O, what a cruel world this is, to treat a cripple so; 

I lost my head and broke my heart, in the manner that you know ; 
But I rushed around, in hottest haste, and told, my congregation so, 
But without the least reflection, they swore it didn't go. 
[Chorus— Tune differs.] 



24 



Listen ! A musical tale, of a romantic freak; 

But Bob arn't to blame, for he wanted the Greek ; 

He must have been called, from the regions of bliss, 

A lark of perfection, the Church couldn't miss. 

I called upon my sisters, prayed, wept and sung; but my prayers 

were never heard above, and I'm thinking not below; 
For they all swore, in one accord, He's struck the Chnrch a rakish 

kind of blow. 

[Chorus.] 

Still the maxim did I remember well : 

If first you don't succeed, try, try again; your luck no one can tell. 
[Chorus.] 

At last I struck a gal, some older than the rest, but a saint among 

the few; 
She took my battle up, and canvassed every pew; 
She swore I had been tampered with, and that she plainly knew. 
[Chorus.] 

My sisters were in sympathy - but the deacons couldn't see it; 
They looked the flock all over a scanning kind of way, 
And then they swore, to pardon me, might prove a very, very 
bitter play. 

[Chorus.) 

So they held upon reflection, such a thing could never be; 
The truth is plain enough — they were afraid of me. 
[Chorus.] 

They ordered on a trial, in a kind of zealous glow; 
Then sent an invitation, that I might attend the show. 
[Chorus.] 

I appeared upon the scene, in sobriety you know, 
[But the first thing I heard them say was-] 

O, Brother Lord ! do tell us, pray tell us, [How did it.] — how did 
you come to go ? 
[Chorus.] 

I took along my witnesses — the Victor girls to swear, 
[But when they enterea] The brothers smiled, the sisters wept, and 
each sung out : I wonder who they are. 
[Chorus.] 

The ball was opened by the Church— the circus then began ; 
The prosecution fire-ed off a scattering kind of gun. 
[Chorus.] 

I was not hit, nor harmed to hurt, but their cause they rested here- 
They all declared, but did not swear, they had me very near. 
I should have rested too, but no counsel had I taken; 
I never so much as thought of, Blackstone, Chitty, Coke or Bacon. 
[Chorus.] 

In a feeling quite serene, and with a victor's air, 



25 



Company. 

Beatrice. 
Company. 
Beatrice. 



I looked o'er all the girls I'd brought, and picked out one to swear; 
I called on sweet Lucretia — she was so near at hand 
Spoke to her a moment, then put her on the stand, 
Believing, as of course, she would do my case up grand. 
[Chorus.] 

But when she found she was, the center of attraction, [She got there 

at last\ 
She soon ft. 11 down on me: she was nobody's fraction. {She was 

a very large whole. J 
[Chorus.] 

Lucretia — sweet Lucretia — she got no special legal pumping, 
But don't you dare to think, I failed to get a thumping. 
[Chorus.] 

She told my congregation, she told my tryers all, my visit to her 

house was not an idle freak ; 
She said I had some talent for, the true inwardness of Greek, 
And in a little while, if supported' by the Church, my language rare 

and racy, few there'd be to speak. . 

Already was I cultured, in some words that did so thril — 
Stinger — decker— wrecker — piper, at which my tryers squealed, 
and I think they're squealing still. 
[Chorus.] 

In the days of my sore trials, I bet too high on call and gift, 
As you see. It didn't serve my purpose well, and so I made a shift. 
[Chorus : He must have been, etc.] 

I'm now in happy trainirg, and far advanced in thought, 
And sting me ! if I do believe, I will again be caught. 

And sting him ! if he does believe, he will again be caught. 

[Company around in a circle. Beatrice to the front.] 

Pve looked the world all over. 

She's looked the world all over. 

I find that s^me are quite too dark, and others far too brilliant. 

Tis hard indeed to cypher out, the family relation; 

I think I'm in between the two— a happy, happy situation. 



Chorus by Company. [Beatrice don't sing:] 

O, may-be she isn't a Stinger, of the milk in the cocoanut kind; 
But her match in the drama of life, is hard as a fortune to find. 

BEATRICE. I meet the cowboy clan, in their wild and wicked glee. [They do.] 
And I know just why it is, that they jump the field for me; 
1 am to them a fearless heart, and that they seldom see; 
I think I'm in between extremes— that's good enough for me. 
[Chorus.] 

I met our Stinger in a role, a philosophic calculation, 
By which he did intend to wreck, the marital relation. 
[Chorus.] 



26 



Cowboy. 



I probed his theoretic dream, with a spark of reason's fire; 
He couldn't stand the crash and flash, and evinced some little ire. 
[Chorus.] 

I think he found himself adrift, with his cheri-hed alma mater; 
So I whirled him around, on the double quick, and made of him 
this drama. 

[Chorus.] 

[Circle. Cowboy to the front.] 

1 think I am a gallant knight, as hero of the plain; 
I hear the shrieks of women, to me a sweet refrain, 
For I am used to anguish, from the men that I have slain. 



Company. He hears the shrieks of women, to him a sweet refrain, 

For he is used to anguish, from the men that he has slain. 

Cowboy. I call upon the ladies, when to church they go, 

For I'm the pink of party men, I'd have the girls to know. 
[Company: He calls, etc.] 

I know they're glad to see me, their welcome is so free; 

They soon throw up their worship, and join in a spree. [There 

is no doubt about it^\ 
I am the pink ot p ir;y men, wherever I may be. 

[Company chorus: He calls upon the ladies, wherever 

he may go, 
For he's the pink of party men, he'd have the girls to know.] 

I have got my squatter's title, and a band of horns and manes, 
For I'm a bold highwayman, and a skinner of the plains. 
[Chorus.] 

My speculations are as bold, as any known to fame; 
The terror of the road, but I treat all men the same, 
. And I never quit the saddle for the pouring of the rain. 
[Chorus.] 

A bandit of the West, 'tis there you see me glow, [Showing use of 

pistol.] 
For I'm the pink of pa ty men, I'd have the girls to know. 
[Chorus.] 

There is nothing very g'oomy, in the life that I am leading, 
For I often rob and kill, just to see the cowards bleeding. 
[Chorus.] 

O, I'm a demon of the road — you ought to see me glow; [Handles 

. pistol.] 
For I'm the pink of party men, I'd have the girls to know. 

[Chorus.] 
I'm planted on a plain, with the jargon of the day, 
For it I think to rob and kill. Science makes an equal play; 
So take us altogether, we're the dandies in your way. 

[Company : He's planted on a plain, with the jargcn 
of the day, 



^7 

For if he thinks to rob and kill, Science makes an equal play. 
Oh, he calls upon the ladies, etc.J 
[Semi-circle. Almira to the front.] 
Almira. Vain modesty is but a trait— like many I can but jest, 

Hut [q scoff and smirk at the thinking class, may-be it isn't best. 

[Chorus : For sobriety as an antidote is, indeed a price- 
less boon; 
It cures the mind fanatic, and the j-eologic(al) loon.] 
The blurting here, and blurting there, by men of cultured mien, 
Leads one to think they may not be, the flowers that they seem. 

[Chorus-— (Spoken : There is no doubt of it.) Sobri- 
ety, etc.] 

[Circle. Victoria to the front.] 

Victoria. I have lived upon the Western plains for twenty years or more; 
If I've got no college crookedness, I'm sound on Western lore. 

[Chorus : For I'm, (Company— For she is (altogether) 
the lloom of a cactus plant — a flower of the mining camp; 
Good medicine for the Western crank, and a* burning wick for the 
Eastern lamp.] 

Out in the West I meet with men, from every land and school; 
I have listened to their wrangling—//^ are very polite— each 
calls the other a fool. 

[Chorus: O, I'm, (Company— She is (altogether), as 
above.) ] 

These luminaries are to thought, but theoretic shams; 
For when reduced to practical, they resemble bucking rams. 
[Chorus as above.] 

I have seen the best of them, on fields of exploration ; 
But they never see., or think alike, about the earth's formation. 
[Chorus as above.] 

I like the ring of reason clear; be it new or old, it is good cheer; 
But the philosophic charlatan, makes life so verv drear. 
[Chorus as above.] 

This class of gentry arc the gleeks, that probe the earth so deep; 
But they've si ill got time, to frighten some, with their song of 
eternal sleep. 

[Chorus as above.] 

[Circle— Stinger appears with white wig over black, and in his hand 
the paper upon which he wrote during the play. As the chorus is sung, 
he raises the white wig with one hand and shakes the paper with the 
other. 

S riNGER. Some say that they are lifted up, and others are lifted down; 

But all decline their words to own— they make the people frown. 
[Chorus : Then look beneath the covering, and look 



28 017 401 467 

beyond the gauze, 
If you would find a man of worth — a man ! without the dodger's 
flaws.] 

If the spirit brought them out, in colors rare and gay, 

They would be glad to stand the scowl, and never dodge the ray. 

I [Chorus.] 

I 

That the mind is misconceived, by scientific thought, 

Is we think a glowing fact, from the folly it has wrought. 

[Chorus.] 

To this source we trace the cripple, of theologic fame; [Points to the 

Minister.} 
Likewwise the wretched delver, in material matter plain. [Points 

at Geologist^ 

[Chorus.] 

This dandy of society, reflects our science wild, [Pointing at 

Cowboy^\ 
But Stinger as an antidote, should make them draw it mild. 
[Chorus.] 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




